Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Atomic IowaHawk (NO Relation to Kim, Jong-il)

This explicit report just in, from Progressive People Party stalwarty Chairman IowaHawk, diplomatically reporting his just and fair demands and suggestions for unity-inspired peaceful co-existence:

IowaHawk's Atomic Rockets 1,031K
(Right-click and "Save as...")


Announcement of Glorious Nuclear Achievement to Gangster Stooges of Blogosphere

Glorious Launch of the People

In the back yard of scientific researchings behind the Great Storage Shed of the People, Iowahawk scientists successfully conducted above-ground nuclear missile test explosions under secure and many malt liquor conditions on early hours of October 10, 2006, at a stirring time when alarm clocks of the neighborhood have yet to clangle. To the impotent yappings of the neighboring gangster devils, Iowahawk responds: howl away, bourgeois traitors of Lakewood Mobile Home Court! Your pitious lamentations and cowardly 911-callings will never stop Iowahawk from the great leap forward into great and powerful prosperity, using his mighty quiver of nuclear-tipped cherry bombs and fully-fissionable bottle rockets for peaceful unity purposes!

Nuclear glowstick payload

Let it now be known that testings were conducted with indigenous wisdom and technology 100 percent. The Central Defense Committee of Iowahawk, Chuck, and Julio are to be congratulated for their ingenious creation of nuclear defense technology from glow-lite sticks and high-quality Missouri fireworks. Also to be honored is Chuck's ex-wife Rhonda, who drove the Central Defense Committee to Missouri to obtain firework materials, low-price smokes and PowerBall tickets.

Chuck: scientific hero of Lakewood Mobile Home Court

It can also be confirmed that there was no such danger as radioactive emission or finger-loss in the course of the testing as it was carried out under scrutinous scientific consideration and careful calculation, and with one of those long-tipped Bic fireplace lighters. Also to insure safety, it was more than one hour after the Central Defense Committee's last round of scientific bong hits.

Scientific analysis reveals that the historic launch was conducted with pinpoint accuracy and flawless execution, resulting a glorious fireball as it streaked across the access road into county maintenance truck. Mark this official forewarning, Cedar County Highway Maintenance: half-life isotope calculations by Chuck indicate the truck will be unsafe for usage until next Wednesday, and Iowahawk cannot be liable for mutations of your foolish crews!

Rockets of peaceful stability

This marks a historic event as it greatly encouraged and pleased Iowahawk and the many patriotic peoples of Lakewood Mobile Home Park that have wished him to have powerful self-reliant defense capability and a prosperous refrigerator stocked in Olde English 800s. It is unsurpassed in glory and its praises will be sung by the children for a thousand years! Well, obviously not the same children, for the entire thousand years, because those first children would eventually grow up and be dead after 100 years, 110 years tops. I'm assuming there would be probably some sort of gradual rotation system to add fresh singing children.

The aim of the Iowahawk nuclear fireworks program is clear: to contribute to defending the peace and stability all about the blogosphere, and the area around it, if the blogosphere knows what is good for it. And what is good for blogosphere is also clear: more linky-linky for Iowahawk.

For too long the bellicose aggressors of international blog "A list" gangstery -- Instapundit, Blair, NRO, LGF, Ace of Spades, Hewitt, Malkin, Taranto, Allah, and their running-blog puppet lackeys -- have sabotaged progress, prosperity and page views of Iowahawk and the developing blogosphere by denying him rightful links and tip jar revenues. Be on notice, the day of your comeuppance has finally up-come, for today we possess the tools to thwart your frantic and silly attempts to stifle us!

Link to this post now, or be dealt a thousand-time blow of fresh nuclear Missouri M-80 retaliation! All imperialist stooge traitors of TypePad and Blogger and WordPress must now bow down before the greatness of Iowahawk and his merciless arsenal of peaceful stabilty rockets. Our diplomatic peace demands are clear:

Send or suffer consequences

  • One thousand trackbacks
  • 10 million pageviews
  • 50 cases of OE 800

Take heed, blackhearted reactionaries of international blog non-linking, for this is your final warning! All those who foolishly refuse to contribute to peaceful blogospheric cooperation through trackbackery will taste the hot sting of Iowahawk's radioactive weapons of singlehearted unity!

Also, we will need 100 pounds of glow-sticks.

-Signoff, 12 October-


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