Monday, July 24, 2006

Lay Off Greenwald!

Someone calling himself "Bill Whittle" posted this spirited defense of Gleen Grenwald.

No, I'm serious! No more sock-puppetry!

Gleen! (753K)
(Right-Click and "Save as...")



You Guys need to lay off Glenn Greenwald RIGHT NOW! I am SO SERIAL!! Although we have never actually β€œmet,” I have been following him discretely for some time now, maintaining a demure distance – behind the dumpster across the street, say, or in the bushes outside his window.

Yes, yes – we all know about his NYT best Sellers and Congressional readings. But did you know that: Glenn Greenwald is the father of every kid in this town! Glenn Greenwald once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!

One time I was with Greenwald in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Greenwald goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Glenn Greenwald! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'GlennGreenwald' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'

He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! ... And he hated irony! He did 3 tours in 'Nam... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Greenwald!

Did I ever tell you about the time Greenwald took me out to get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Greenwald takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Greenwald yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!'

Glenn Greenwald had a four day heart attack... a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese. He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road. He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child. They found $60 in change in his stomach. He date-raped David Bowie. He once inhaled a seagull, then he killed Wolfman Jack with a trident.

He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls. He sired a baseball team. (an orchestra if you count the bastards!) You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe! Glenn Greenwald was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it! He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen. Did I ever tell you about the time Greenwald went hunting? Greenwald decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives... except Fleagle. We once had a bachelor party for Greenwald. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Greenwald once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart. Greenwald's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong. And, tragically, last but not least: It was the sight of Greenwald's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane. (signoff)


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dont know... this doesn't sound like Bill Whittle...

Monday, July 24, 2006 2:35:00 AM  

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